Declaration of War
by TotalOatmeal
Summary: A humorous perspective on the Global War of 2014. What actually started it? Who is on the lighter shade of grey? (Contains spoilers, but the game is already two years old)


After conflict with the Russian paratroopers, the crack-ass platoon of soldiers led by their insane sergeant decides to go shoot up more Ruskies to find nukes or a secret bunker filled with candy and flowers the Russians are hogging to theirselves. In response, Russia actually wants to prevent this war from happening because they were going to be in deep shit, and the U.S is probably their best asshole friend who hooks up with all the countries, whilst saying, "If you guys have done genocide, I can too!". So Russia tries to prevent the platoon of soldiers coming in. That platoon had only one squad sane enough to try and contemplate about what consequences they will have after. But as the assholes they are, the men still charge for America. This declares a war between the U.S and Russia. Way to go U.S! After that, the sane squad loses half its sane members.

Afterwards, they find the (of course) Russian arms dealer, who already had his ass kicked. There stands Russia's last hope for redemption, Dima. He convinces the one of the American sane soldiers to save themselves from mutually assured destruction, to stop this madness. Then, the door smacks wide opens, with the insane leader pointing the gun at his sane soldiers because he was too smart enough, and Artyo- I mean Dima because he had a irrational fear of Russian men who steal their women. The American soldier decides to shoot his commanding officer because it was the right thing to do, but he gets jail time and is interrogated by two men, one firm but believing good bald guy, and one douchepickle who is arrogant enough to listen to the truth. Meanwhile, Dima and Kha- I mean Vladimir, decide to go to Paris for baguettes and shoot up some more terrorists because they had a nuke. However, the French intervene and point guns at the people trying to save them, where they get mown down anyway. Anyways, Dima moves up to an archway, where he dodges a RPG, but hits the car and Vladimir, where he dies. Then, through the pain and tears of his father-like figure, Dima and the other guy Kiril, who wanted to leave because Dima was the favorite, still run to save Paris of the nuke. Then, begins an epic fight scene between a random terrorist and Dima, where he throws the terrorist into the train, and everyone is saved, and Russia is the hero. Oh, but wait, the nuke is not there! It then blows up, somehow not killing Dima and Kiril, but giving them Radiation Herpes. Then, everyone in Paris is forced into the metro to scavenge scraps of food from the dogs.

Meanwhile, the sane guy is arrested for no good reason, with his buddy, Sane guy number two. Good Cop sadly leaving, Douchepickle, with his henchman Skeletor put cuffs on America's hope for redemption, and a curbstomp battle ensues, leaving Sane guy to escape into the train which conveniently has the nuke set to blow up. After running through the train, he finds the mastermind, and almost gets a 44 bullet inside of his head. However, the train stops, and Sane guy shoots terrorists in the sewers and meets up with Sane guy number two, who stole a cop car, and they chase the mastermind until they crash. Sane guy 2 lies on the hood of the car, gets shot, leaving the mastermind with no bullets, however, he wastes his last bullet, and the sane guy and mastermind fight. In the end, sane guy beats the mastermind with a brick, and finds the nuke, looks up, and realizes that these sons of bitches didn't even help.

It doesn't stop there, America is all angry at Russia because of the attack in Paris, because they saw a low resolution video of a small explosion away from Paris and they decide to fight back. Russia, in self-defense, retaliates. America invades through the Caspian Border, where they call death and explosions on the tower if they are losing, because they need bail out and find out more ways to throw more cannon fodder. In a different way. Meanwhile, in Paris, they take the fight to the Metro, where they stop SAM Sites for their French buddies ,who were actually planning to fight the Americans, so they can actually mobilize, and retake the Stock Exchange. After pushing through Paris, the fight rages onto the streets, with shrapnel, blood, and snails strewn across the streets with the stench of "al a mort" in the air, where Americans fight Russians in order to take over France. France is occupied by America, where France is not so grateful, where America just dismisses them as French arrogance. Meanwhile, back to the Middle East, in order to keep America from pushing forward, the Russians hold a position in a oil refinery, which wasn't probably the best idea with all the explosive tankers everywhere. America pushes forward, and has the oil refinery all to themselves so they can possibly lower gas prices a bit. They then invade Iran, with Russian forces defending so that they won't conquer- I mean liberate Iran, and pass through to the heart of Mother Russia. Because of that, Uncle Sam attacks a highway to push further forward to Russia, and on another front, they attack an island to gain access to Oman, just in case Russia was planning to pass through there, because they just love that battleground. America also tries to gain entrance through to Port of Noshahr, because apparenly they didn't have enough entryways to penetrate Iran. In order to install combat operations in Iran, they go to the highest peak on Mount Damavand, and steal the Russian military base which in fact was holding Iranian civilians and orphans. Thus, establishes a camping spot for America. Russians over there? No problem, just send more cannon fodder in that direction. The U.S finally pierces the heart of Iran, making her his mistress. I mean, literally, they invade the market inside Tehran after successfully pushing through the highway. More genocide of Russia occurs.

Russia is on the tip of its toes now, in one last desperation attack, Russia decides to go all full Soviet bear leading them into invading (which is actually just retaking) the Gulf of Oman and taking bases from up to Oman, back to Iran, then to Paris to restore the peace and order there which was originally (until the Americans attacked), and kicking the ass of the U.S into its den, where it's fed more military hardware, with a full course of bacon.

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A/N: My perspective the story of Battlefield 3's multiplayer is, with Russia actually light grey, and the U.S darker. Not really in chronological order, just go with anything that seems logical in your sense, either the invasion of France last, or invading Tehran first. Either way with you. If there are any holes in this story, point them out please, I'd hate to be inaccurate. Next chapter is about the Strike of Karkand, which continues the backstory here. After that would probably be Aftermath, then Armored Kill. Please rate and review, and hoped you enjoyed.


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